SELF ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE

THERAPY HIGH BARNET

"If self-doubt, low confidence, or a persistent sense of not being good enough is holding you back from the life you want, it may be worth understanding where that comes from and what could be different."

One of the things that holds us back most in life, that stops us from trying to fulfil our dreams is the belief that we are not good enough to achieve them. This sense of inadequacy can show up in almost every area of life and when it does, it can really hold us back. "Who would like me if I were to really be myself? I have to be a better more ideal version to gain the acceptance of others." Perhaps you're familiar with this feeling?

What Self Esteem and Confidence Actually Are

If self-doubt, low confidence, or a persistent sense of not being good enough is holding you back from the life you want, it may be worth understanding where that comes from, and what could be different. Perhaps you did well at school but were repeatedly told by your parents that you should have done better. Maybe you were the black sheep of your family, blamed for things that were never really your fault, or alternatively, bullied by others which resulted in you feeling rejected. 

You may in fact not even be able to put your finger on any particular reasons why you lack confidence and this is perfectly understandable. The important thing is that you can name the experience and would like to understand it better. 

If this sounds a little like you, then one thing I'm fairly confident about is that you will be experiencing emotional pain and most probably leading a far more limited life than you would like. It's also very likely that you may be dealing with anxiety too or possibly feeling depressed. It's also possible that these issues could be occurring in your social life and undermining your relationships as well. 

The Paradox at the Heart of Confidence Issues

When we lack confidence and tell ourselves that we are not good enough or that other people don't like us, it is understandable that we might tend to pull back from living life to the full. Perhaps you can relate to this yourself? Maybe you have found yourself passing up the opportunity to attend a party or show up for a job interview or try out for your university football team because you had already decided in advance that you wouldn’t be welcome, or you definitely wouldn’t get the job or win a position on the team.

"We can become our own hardest taskmasters."

What may well have started out as criticism directed at you by a parent or other significant people in your life, eventually becomes criticism of yourself by yourself. In other words, we can become our own hardest taskmasters. We end up being our own fiercest critics and because of this, it becomes almost impossible to imagine that others will look at us with anything other than the same critical lenses that our parents looked at us though or that we now continue to reinforce.

Illustration

Graham, (not a real person, a composite drawn from common experience), initially came to see me because of what he described as a lack of courage. In his mid-forties, he was keen to get into a relationship but wasn't able to take the necessary first steps because he was convinced he would be very quickly rejected. While he confessed that he hadn't actually had a great deal of experience in relationships to base this assumption on, it still made a great deal of sense as he began to tell me about his formative years. 

A twin, Graham was born only a few minutes after his elder brother Andrew who by all accounts, was physically larger, stronger, more handsome and intelligent than Graham. To make matters worse for Graham, their father was a PE teacher with a passion for rugby; something his brother excelled at but which Graham was particularly ill-suited to and absolutely detested. 

The problem now was that he couldn't help assuming that were he to get into a relationship, he would very quickly be overlooked by his partner as soon as a better model came along and guess what, as we explored what this better prospect might be like, it turned out to be a carbon copy of Andrew, his elder brother! 

Once this became clear, with my support, Graham began to challenge himself to go on dates and while he met with mixed results initially, he didn't, as he had expected, collapse in a heap on the floor when he got turned down. By focusing on thinking about what he was able to do rather than on the outcome, his confidence slowly began to build.

What Becomes Possible

Confidence, self-worth, self-esteem, whatever you want to call it; you can't talk yourself into those states. They have to be earned through facing up to the harsh realities of life, of living life, pursuing the dreams you genuinely have, walking down roads that feel authentic and true to yourself. 

Perhaps you already understand this at some level. Think about every time you have managed to overcome your lack of confidence to do something that you truly felt was what you needed to do. Perhaps you found the courage to overcome your fear of flying or eventually walked out on a partner who was undermining your self-worth or plucked up the courage to apply for the promotion at work you had always wanted. How did you feel afterwards? I wouldn't be surprised if the answer is that you felt good about yourself for doing so. It's your relationship with yourself then, your willingness to put yourself in the firing line and take a chance even if it doesn't meet with the success you wanted, that's the key thing here.

How I Work

We will begin by entering into the very same unhurried collaborative process I use with everyone who I work with which is aimed at getting a full understanding of your situation. Doing something new for the first time is difficult enough without having the absolute conviction that it is the right way forward. 

Greater understanding can provide you with confidence in your ability to know what you need to do next whether it's working on challenging the negative messages you are constantly telling yourself or exploring the unfounded assumptions that you buy into and which provide you with a reason to not do something. This could be something as simple as convincing yourself that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to give a public speech without having a panic attack and attracting ridicule from others present so why bother. 

Understanding, however, isn't enough. My job is to help you aim to achieve the very life that you are wanting for yourself and to support you as you begin to action the insights that have been gained during the early sessions. This can feel daunting but by doing so, you can begin to exercise your freedom to take back control of your life and this can be extremely empowering resulting in greater confidence and renewed self-worth.

Get In Touch

If you feel it's time to take that first step towards working on your self-esteem and confidence issues, why not get in touch with me and request an initial session. I'd be delighted to hear from you!